their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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