sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize