She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I still have a little drunk in my system
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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