So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
