Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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