If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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