I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's paper in my vomit.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
