i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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