One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
