I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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