my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
