hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
