Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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