I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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