I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
