I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
