life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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