so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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