So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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