You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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