i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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