Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
