I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
