just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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