upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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