i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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