Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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