please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
