thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
