We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
