my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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