census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
bring money and cleavage
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
