I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
