Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
