i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize