4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
