sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
