I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
