My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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