You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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