Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
