roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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