Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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