Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
