well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
