I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
