were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
