If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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