Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
