Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
