I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
