You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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