How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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