I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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