update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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