and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
