I'm so fucking centered right now
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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