well I can't set my house on fire every night
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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