paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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