so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
