Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
