I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
