i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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