I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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