You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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